Be fluent in desire.

INSIGHT

The quality of our fluency is reflective of the quality of our practice — and sexually, we’re stammering.

Sexual fluency, be it the act, the articulation of needs or the seduction of a partner is not something that is taught to us outside the luck of getting a sensitive, experienced partner. We may uncover dirty talk through adult entertainment or film, dabble in some erotica or even live vicariously through friends or get lucky with an expert; but most people are winging it with sexual fantasies in the brain trying to find sophisticated expressions in reality.

This is obviously nothing to be ashamed of and only needs practice to go from romantic awkwardness stumbling towards sexual satisfaction to understanding how to articulate and ask for our own and others’ desires with the proper language and gestures. You may not equate sexual fantasy with well-being — perhaps relegating it to a dark place in one’s mind that falls nowhere on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs but I propose the idea that it is as base (and necessary) as reproduction itself. Not with the intention of procreation, but of creating a bond of intimacy that is as nourishing as new life itself.

Sexual health is a state of physical, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality (as defined by the WHO); essentially being able to have positive and pleasurable safe sexual experiences that are free of coercion, discrimination and/or violence. Sexual well-being or synonymously, sexual intelligence, are practiced states of being able to enact or ask for desires that need fulfilling or expressing beyond the base state of good sexual health. Meaning, beyond the act of sexual satisfaction, can we become more fluent and sensitive towards articulating desires, not just achieving release.

With lives that are increasingly stressful, relationally isolated, and childless, our sexual well-being represents the ability to express deeper desires that are, yes, sexual in nature, but far more complex expressions of our personal desires for being adored, having power, feeling seduced, enacting on different traits, feeling liberated and a host of other psychological factors that give us a zest for life. Being able to achieve this through an intimate partnership deepens the connection, using sexual well-being as a language that can help couples share in a way they never have before and therefore deepening trust, love and connection over time.

INSPIRATION

This powerhouse of a person needs no introduction if you've had an internet connection over the past five years.

Only the most popular and impressively credentialed relationship therapists in the game -- Esther Perel is blowing up the internet with her passion for helping people realize that the quality of their relationships determines the quality of our lives. Her Ted talks and many books reframe the conversation on sex, love, romance, gender roles, communication, expectations and insights into how to live a passion filled life. If you're slow to the game, definitely subscribe to her YouTube channel now for some inspiration and practices for being a better lover.

In her words:

INNOVATION

“Wish List”

A app where couples reveal each other’s fantasies and share or make requests without the awkwardness.

• There are a lot of dating apps out there where creating attraction is key; but very few apps that work on sustaining attraction. “Wish List” keeps couples’ sensual and sexual activities evolving by sharing the things that can be difficult to describe or admit face-to-face.

• Couples download the app (or one invites the other) into a third-party environment that maps each individuals’ sexual fantasies and desires; with the help of questions, examples and instructions to offer a language that might be missing in one’s sexual education.

• Lists of “What Turns Me On” and “What Turns Me Off” are created over time into moldboards or requests, depending on the level of sharing each person has.

• Another questionnaire probing “Why They’re Sexy” gets sent to your partner as a blush-worthy poetic validation of what your partner fancies about you but doesn’t know how to articulate.